After a spontaneous Google Meet held at 3:00 a.m. on May 1st, the Wake County School Board decided that students are returning to remote learning for the next five years. While this may be considered a radical move by some, it was actually the first unanimous decision Wake County Schools has made since the last teacher pay cut.
When asked about the logic behind this decision, Wake County superintendent Karen White explained, “We feel that students have been much happier, healthier and more dedicated to excellence learning from home rather than being in-person. There is really no reason to go back. Plus we save on the electricity bill.”
“It’s a lot easier to pay attention in class now. Nothing helps me learn more than my baby sister crying at all hours of the day. That’s why I’m ranked number one.”
— Ova A. Chivar
Upon finding out about the decision, many students could not contain their excitement. One student is Georgina Regin, senior, who had a uniquely strong reason to not want to return.
“Of course I want to continue remote learning! There’s nothing I enjoy more than not seeing my ugly classmates,” she said “My vision literally got worse having to see them everyday.” Her friend, Greta Weiner, senior, aggressively agreed.
“Everyone knows that Athens students have horrible personalities! Being around them everyday is bad for your skin. And the last thing any of them need is worse skin,” said Weiner.
Other students, despite their horrible personalities and bad skin, agreed with the pair, albeit for different reasons.
“If we go back in-person, I won’t be able to make Tik Toks during class anymore. I made $170 in the past week there! If I have teachers bugging me about paying attention in class, I won’t be able to make that kind of money anymore,” said Belle Dolphin, junior.
The inability to pay attention to social media was a sticking point for many students. Another student, senior Kevin Glascock, was horrified by the very concept of being in-person again, saying, “Without social media, how would I get the latest news? I can’t get it from the mass media, that’s all fake! Everything I need to know about the world can only be found on Facebook.”
Moving on from social media, some students were pleased with the decision for academic reasons as well.
Ova A. Chivar, top of the sophomore class, noted, “It’s a lot easier to pay attention in class now. Nothing helps me learn more than my baby sister crying at all hours of the day. That’s why I’m ranked number one.” She also mentioned that remote learning took a stressful burden off her shoulders, “I don’t have to worry about school shootings anymore! The code-red lockdowns we had every single year were giving me an ulcer. Now I can instead get an ulcer trying to manage the 20 different sites my teachers are using for assignments.”
On the other end of the performance spectrum, Chad Cheatham, ranked last in the sophomore class, commented on academic integrity, “I just, uh, feel like school’s a whole lot fairer now. When we were in the building, everyone was helping each other cheat. Now that people can’t see each other, all the cheating has definitely stopped.” More about academic integrity.
A former Athens student publicly wished he had this opportunity when he was in school.
“Man, I wish I hadn’t graduated before COVID. I hated every senior event, so seeing them ruined for everyone else would’ve been great,”
Since the announcement he has made 400+ social media posts about the topic.
One of his most popular posts, totaling 14 likes on Facebook, says, “Kids these days are focused on the wrong upsides to this. Distracted by social media, vaping, or worse, academics, they’ve forgotten the real meaning of high school: despising everyone and everything around them.”
Athens students responded to this in the same way young people often do nowadays: mocking him for still wearing skinny jeans and having his Hogwarts house in his bio.
Athens Drive staff had a more mixed view than the students. Much like them though, the new security officer appointed last February was enthusiastic.
“What do you mean we’re not going back in-person! I left $20 in Mr. Bayer’s classroom last year, and I’m a senior now! I want my money back.”
— Moe Ron
When asked about his opinions, he said, “I couldn’t be happier with this turn of events! Now I can go back to the real job of police: causing conflict. Granted, I figured I’d probably be out of this job soon anyway, but it would have been because the students chased me out of the building with torches and pitchforks. Thanks Wake County!”
Other staff members weren’t so pleased with the change. “While it’s great that the students are happy, I can’t support this move. Where else can I be paid to not fix the water fountains?” said Joe Schmoe, a maintenance worker who had been working at the school for twenty years when he was laid off following the switch. “When this is all over, I want my job back.”
Undeniably excellent news for the class of 2026. Another long-time staff member, Evelle Doer, who many students will fondly remember for catching them vaping in the bathroom, also was not pleased. “I’m disappointed. I became a teacher specifically to punish children. Now all I get to do is teach them math. It still hurts them, but not enough for my taste,” said Doer.
A few students also had negative comments about remote learning. Senior Moe Ron freaked out at the news, saying, “What do you mean we’re not going back in-person! I left $20 in Mr. Bayer’s classroom last year, and I’m a senior now! I want my money back.”
Another student was upset by the other students’ reaction to the news, commenting, “I just don’t get it. I feel like just yesterday, everyone was complaining about how horrible online learning was, but scrolling through insta this morning, everyone was talking about how great it is that it’s never going to end! It’s almost like everyone was brainwashed overnight.”
The staff at The Oracle are also excited for the return to remote learning. Because print editions of the paper are no longer necessary, the extra budget money went to getting Ms. Hornick a full spa day. She got to enjoy a mani-pedi, a Swedish massage, 3 different facials, and even got her hair dyed the Athens Drive colors: orange and blue. When asked about her reasoning behind this, she refused to comment.
Loading ...
