With America on the brink of civil war and human extinction, the college application process for seniors has never been easier.
Seniors, no need to break the bank on travel expenses to attend campus tours or admitted student events, now that leaving the confines of a house increases one’s chance of death monstrously. Who wants to develop blisters from walking around a school, anyways? Besides, why walk a campus when you can scroll through a college’s laggy, littered website at home! All the information any applicant would ever need is just a click or two, or three, or 37 away… if you are willing to play the world’s hardest game of hide and seek.
When asked how students are expected to choose where to apply or attend without in person exploration, Harvard’s top admissions counselors answers:
“I don’t know…just put some names in a hat and pick one out.”
Additionally, now that the submission of standardized test scores has become optional for most schools, seniors have been religuised of all scholastic stress! The days seniors have spent mulling over practice test books over the past year, the hours of sleep they have lost and all the money they have already spent on anxiety pills to subdue test anxiety is completely erased now that test scores are optional. Thank goodness!
“Well, I guess students are happy about it, but standardized tests are why I wake up in the morning. I just love walking around big rooms filled with students and acting like a high ranking official,” says a very dedicated, lonely test proctor.
And there’s no telling how easy it will be at the end of this process, when seniors finally move out and live on their own. No matter that any mature, adult-like habits a student may have already possessed (like cleaning, making meals or taking care of themselves) have probably been pushed to the wayside during quarantine. These seniors will find living by themselves as easy as pie.
“There will be a personal cook and laundry doer at college, right?” said the 2021 valedictorian.
